Losing Myself
by spideys-an-avenging-hunter-now
Summary: Bellatrix wasn't always what she is now. It wasn't her fault, really. They took her mind...and with it...they took Bellatrix. Read and Review please? I love getting feedback : Enjoy
1. Chapter 1

**Losing Myself**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own anything relating to Harry Potter in any way, shape or form…except for the 10 books that I bought…and the many DVDS…and posters…and Tshirts…and video games…and…legos…figurines…well I think you get the picture.

**CHAPTER ONE: PROLOGUE**

I could barely feel my feet pounding against the pavement, I knew it was scratching and tearing into the exposed skin where my heels had been just minutes ago, and they were now most probably discarded on the road. My breath came quickly and my eyes stung and watered from the force of the wind, my voice was distant and I couldn't control the noises that were made as I ran through the alleyways, I was whimpering and an occasional sob would erupt from my parted lips. I felt something sharp dig into my heel and I yelped stopping for a moment before continuing to run, with a limp.

All of a sudden my left wrist burned and I fell, screaming, to the ground clutching at my skull as a slippery voice blossomed in my mind.

"Why must you always disappoint me?" it said.

"You were faithful to me once. It seems that now your allegiance has changed…or not. Make your choice quickly before I take back my offer" I whimpered as I heard the cold biting tone of the last few words. I moaned and pulled on my black hair, making it messier than it was already.

"NO!" I screeched. My voice hoarse from lack of use. I shook my head violently and the burning stopped, my fingers stopped pulling at my hair and I looking down at my left forearm, sure enough the snake that slipped through the jaw of the blackened skull which had been moving wildly only a few moments ago had ceased its movement. I sighed with hysterical relief and wiped my tear stained cheeks with shaking hands.

"You know that's not the end of it_ Bellatrix_" the cold slippery voice spoke again, this time from behind me. I whirled around and gasped.

"My-My Lord…" I whispered weakly. His cold red gaze held mine as he came closer to me and finally grasped my tattooed forearm, I drew in a quick breath at the pain that it caused me but then passed it off as a cough. He looked down at me for a few moments and then let go of my forearm, once released I cradled it against my chest.

"You stupid little girl" he spat before grabbing hold of my hair and slamming me against the brick alley wall. I screamed and a small choked sob escaped from my lips. He leaned forward so his lips were at my ear.

"How dare you disobey me? You poor foolish girl. You were one of my favorites, my favorites don't last long" his whispers in my ear were quiet and sharp, like a knife cutting into my skin. I shuddered and whimpered, he responded by slamming me against the wall, again. He threw me down to the ground and towered above me; I put my back against the wall and curled up into a ball, trying to minimize the pain. He laughed cruelly and kicked me before pulling his wand from beneath his robes.

"_Crucio_" he snarled. I screamed before passing out and fading into the calm, peaceful darkness. Knowing it was the end, expecting the end, and receiving something entirely different.

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**Ok so this will only be a short fanfic, I've almost finished the whole thing, so there wont be a huge wait on the chapters :)**

**This idea sorta kinda just popped into my head, I didn't even know it was about bellatrix until I finished it and thought to myself "hey! That could be Bellatrix!" lol. It is very different to the type of thing i usually write, but change is good :)**

**The chapters are short I know but, it will be updated within a few days so its ok...I think :)**

**So! I hope you enjoy it, and don't forget to Review, if your reading it I believe that you should review or something, I think its only fair haha**

**:)**

**Mez x**


	2. Chapter 2: Awake

**Losing Myself**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own anything relating to Harry Potter in any way, shape or form…except for the 10 books that I bought…and the many DVDS…and posters…and Tshirts…and video games…and…legos…figurines…well I think you get the picture.

**CHAPTER 2****: **

I didn't expect to have lived. When I opened my eyes the room was blurry and my vision was partially obscured by my hair. The room was dark and I looked around blearily attempting to work out where I was. I moved my hands slightly so I could move my hair from my face, as I did so I felt the cold and heavy weight of shackles around my wrists. I looked down at my hands, sure enough there were red marks from the chaffing of metal on skin, my hands were filthy, the nails encrusted in dirt and stained with black from soot. I shut my eyes tightly as I remembered the cause for the soot…

_My eyes were watering, the heat in the room was suffocating me. I clawed at my throat and tried to gasp for air, only succeeding in breathing in the smoke from the magic induced flames. I let out a sob before collapsing._

I shook my head quickly before breathing deeply and opening my eyes. I am a Black, I am strong, I will carry on. I thought to myself before moving the hair away from my face. It was filthy and matted in places, I scrunched up my nose and turned my attention to the room around me. It was bare. Empty. Not even a chair in a corner. I quickly realized that it was a cell, a dungeon cell. There were only few places that the Dark Lord had under his control which held a dungeon, Malfoy Manor. I swore under my breath before standing with some difficulty and moving towards the door. Just as I stood I head footsteps on the other side of the door, I froze before sitting again. I leant back against the wall attempting to look as if I was still unconscious.

"She's awake, I'm sure of it my lord" a voice said. I scowled as I recognised it. Severus Snape. Disgusting Half-Blood, attempting to elevate himself above one such as me! The madness must have been taking hold of my mind, I shuddered as I thought of the possibilities before listening intently.

"Yes Severus. Open the door, I enjoy seeing my failed followers before they are killed" a cold voice said. I shuddered again as I heard _his _voice. My heart pounded and I struggled to keep my breathing even, I squeezed my eyes shut tighter as I heard the door creak open.

"Ah yes, Bellatrix dear. Do not attempt to hide from me. You are awake, there is no use in _pretending_" he sneered. I let out a gasp as he grasped a clump of my hair and pulled hard, the tears stung my eyes before I knew what was happening. I bit my lip hard enough to draw blood. His response was to laugh coldly, it was an inhuman laugh, I shuddered again as I heard it. He ran a finger along the side of my face before slapping my cheek, it burned and was sure to be red with the imprint that his hand undoubtedly left upon my skin.

"It is not yet too late dear Bellatrix. I will still forgive you. But if you do not comply there will be dire consequences for you, and unfortunately for the rest of your family" he said mockingly. I spat in his face. He barely blinked at this. He released his grip on my hair roughly before standing again and moving towards the door.

"It will happen tomorrow. Be prepared my dear Bellatrix. You have defied me now, you will regret that decision for the remainder of your life. What will happen to you will be far worse than death. I promise you this. Sleep well Bellatrix, you must be well rested for the little display we shall have tomorrow" he said the last few words viciously. I could feel the bite from the venom in his words, the truth that was like an ice cold dagger being dragged along my spine. I closed my eyes and swallowed. My throat ached from being dehydrated and I felt more tears leak from my eyes and saturate my filthy hair.

I fell asleep from sheer exhaustion nothing else. Sleep brought back too many memories. Too many dark times that I would rather push to the back of my mind, but with sleep came short lived peace which is soon replaced with the despair that the recollection of these memories brings me.

_He kissed my hand gingerly, looking up into my eyes all the while. I blushed slightly and smiled. My hair was flowing freely down my back, untangled and beautifully gleaming in the sunshine of the afternoon. It was one of the most wonderful days of my life, my heart was soaring, and I bore a permanent smile upon my lips. _

_'Trixie, you know how I feel. Please. Come with me' he said to me later as we were sitting beneath the shade of a large tree. I looked into his brown eyes which gleamed in the fading light from the sun. I smiled sadly. _

_'I'm sorry, I can't. What would they all think? It's impossible, it simply cannot be done' my voice wavered towards the end. I closed my eyes and tried to memorize the feeling of his skin touching mine, my hand was wrapped in the warmth that his larger hand lent me. I leaned over and pressed a kiss to his forehead. Sighing as I pulled away from him. The hurt in his eyes was enough to make me lose control of my emotions._

_"I'm sorry" I whispered once more, before kissing him. I felt my tears mingling with his. The kiss was bittersweet. I pulled away and shook my head before standing and walking away. _

_That was the last time that I saw him alive. _

I awoke with a gasp, and then a sob. I covered my mouth with my hand trying to stifle any more sobs that would undoubtedly be emitted. I was shaking as I opened my eyes to the darkness surrounding me. I shivered and wrapped my arms around my torso. The darkness permeated through my clothing, reaching into my soul and pulling whatever warm remnants of the sun away from me. The tears had stopped flowing but my eyes still stung from them.

"Your time is up dear Bellatrix" I heard _him_ say from outside the door. I jumped startled, and then I realized that this was it. I closed my eyes and centered myself. This was it, my final chance at escape and my final judgment. I stood and held my arms out as two masked death eaters came into the cell, they unchained the shackles from the wall, my hands however were still bound together. They were shaking, my body was betraying my emotions, and it was betraying me. I walked out of the cell with one of the Death Eaters in front of me, and the other behind me. _He_ was standing outside of the cell, leaning against the wall waiting for me. I lifted my chin slightly and made an effort to stand up straighter. This was my last chance at redemption before I became someone else. I wouldn't let him have the satisfaction in seeing me weak again. He smirked in my direction before signaling for the Death Eaters to follow him.

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**Hey peoples! So second chapter! Aren't I a cool person lol**

**I have to thank my friend Annika, for giving me her opinion and helping me plan out the rest of the story haha :) 3 **

**Anyway!**

**New chapter, this one hopefully shed some more light on what the heck is going on!**

**OH and don't forget to Review! Reviews are what I thrive on peoples, reviews.**

**Ok thanks :)**

**Mez x**


	3. Chapter 3: No

**Losing Myself**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own anything relating to Harry Potter in any way, shape or form…except for the 10 books that I bought…and the many DVDS…and posters…and T-shirts…and video games…and…legos…figurines…well I think you get the picture.

**CHAPTER 3: No**

I followed him silently, my heart was pounding against my ribcage fast. I tried to control my breathing and keep my bottom lip from trembling. _What are you doing? Are you a scared little girl? Fight it!_ The words came into my head catching me unaware, I almost began to cry when I remembered those words. I internally shook myself, I had to snap out of it, I unconsciously raised my chin a bit higher and made sure that my expression betrayed no emotion. We stopped and I realized we had arrived. The doors into the room were large and black. A seemingly massive handle, which appeared to be a snake, curved around and appeared as if it were glaring at whoever attempted to open it. I gulped and squeezed my eyes shut once before opening them and taking a deep breath. _He _opened the door. Inside, each side of the room was filled with people wearing the uniform of his followers, I tried to avoid the eyes of each and every one of them, but they did not avoid mine. They blatantly stared out at me from beneath the black hoods, cold interest was evident in their gazes.

"My friends! We are gathered for the trial of Bellatrix Lestrange!" _He_ exclaimed. At _his_ words an excited tension overtook the room. The air was filled with whispers and various cries of hate were thrown in my direction.

"She has committed a heinous crime! She has lowered herself to the levels of a blood traitor!" _He_ paused and the room was filled with cries of outrage. I closed my eyes, fought the urge to bow my head and admit defeat. When I opened them there were still people staring at me.

"For this crime, my friends, we have prepared a punishment especially for her! Bring him forth Rudolphus!" _He_ demanded, the room went completely silent. I saw Rudolphus move toward the other set of doors directly across from me. My heart raced but I stood my ground. As the doors opened I gasped and stared in horror at who was being pulled through the door.

"No…" I whispered. The man stood before me, his arms bound behind his back and he was blindfolded.

"Yes Bellatrix. I save only the best punishment for my favorites" _He _whispered in my ear. I shuddered and struggled to move forward. _He_ made a disapproving noise from behind me before moving towards the man.

"Behold! The man behind her crimes!" _He_ exclaimed before ripping off the man's blindfold. He opened his eyes and looked around before he saw me. There was instant recognition in his eyes. I shook my head, willing him to stay silent.

"Bellatrix…" he whispered despairingly. I closed my eyes and felt silent tears roll down my cheeks, betraying my emotions. I heard the crowd gasp, I ignored them opening my eyes again. This time he was glaring at the _Dark Lord_. I had the insane urge to laugh. I really was losing my mind.

"Oh! I think this is some proof, dear Bella! Is it just me or is there a spark of recognition in those eyes!" _He_ said before grabbing the man's face and making it face me.

"Look at this face, boy. Remember it! This is the face of the person who will cause you tremendous pain my boy, she has no mercy!" _He_ whispered into the man's ear, loud enough for us to hear but still whispered. I shook my head, willing him not to believe the Dark Lord's words. _He_ released the man from _his_ grip and walked towards me; _he_ raised his wand slowly and pointed.

"Bellatrix…this is your punishment! _Imperio!" He_ cried. I shuddered as I felt the spell begin to affect me. My mind grew dark and I felt my consciousness swim before my eyes.

"Rudolphus, her wand" I heard _him_ say. I felt my wand being pressed into my hand; I grasped it automatically before _his_ voice blossomed in my mind. _Good, now. Torture him. He deserves it remember? After all, he is a Blood Traitor._ I felt myself nod absently; there was reason in _his_ words. _Yes, he deserves it. Now!_

"Don't do it Bellatrix! You can't! Don't!" the man cried. Inside I was being tortured, I was screaming at myself. I kept moving forward though, shaking as I did so. I was only a few feet from him now; I raised my wand and pointed it at him.

"Bellatrix! Stop! You know me Bellatrix! It's Gideon! You know me!" He said desperately. My wand hand wavered. I felt tears roll down my cheeks and I shuddered.

"I know. Forgive me" I said in a brief moment while I was in possession of my actions. _NOW!_ The voice roared in my mind. I gasped and time slowed as I said that six lettered word that could cause so much harm.

"_Crucio" _I whispered. The result was immediate, my eyes widened as I saw Gideon begin to writhe in pain, and my tears flowed continuously. My mind was in uproar. All I could think was _No! Not Gideon!_ My heart broke as I looked into his eyes. I watched as I tortured him, his body bending into unnatural positions, a pained scream leaving his lips.

"Enough!" I hear the Dark Lord say. I stopped and saw as Gideon slumped, unconscious, to the floor. I shuddered and my legs folded beneath me, I held my head in my hands and shook as sobs wracked my body.

"This is only the beginning of pain dear Bellatrix" _He_ whispered in my ear.

"Her punishment has not yet finished, but! You are not required for the rest of the night. Leave" _he_ said to the room full of Death Eaters. They bowed and there were murmurs of _'My Lord' _as they left the room. It was now empty except for me, the Dark Lord, Gideon and five others. I saw Gideon begin to stir, and I curled up.

"Now, now Bellatrix. You mustn't hide yourself from your _love"_ _he_ said to me, before muttering _Imperio_. I felt myself stand and raise my wand again.

"Stop this!" I whispered before _his_ voice sounded in my mind again.

"_Crucio"_ I said. I saw Gideon shake his head again before it fell back and a scream was wrenched from his throat. I turned my head and saw the Dark Lord smiling at me. It was unnatural, more a bearing of teeth in approval than a smile. Gideon was still on the floor, being thrown about limply. The scream was faint now, but it was being made unconsciously, of that I was sure.

"Stop" _He_ whispered in my ear. I slumped again, this time I crawled to Gideon. He was on his side and his breathing was shallow. My tears fell on his clothes and I cried as I held him. I felt someone attempt to pry me away from him.

"NO!" I screamed. I felt the hands draw back from me and heard _him_ tell them to leave me.

"Leave her now. We shall continue this tomorrow, let us leave her with a false sense of hope" I could hear the sneer in _his_ voice. The doors shut quietly behind them but first I heard one last thing.

"I will return tomorrow Bellatrix. Do not attempt to escape" _he_ said coldly. I felt Gideon stir beneath me and I cried harder. He sat up, wincing, and took hold of my face. He looked me in the eyes before he pulled me forward into his arms. I collapsed into his embrace and he rocked me as I sobbed into his chest.

"I'm losing my mind Gideon" I whispered a little while later.

"He is controlling me, it's taking over me" I continued. I felt him shake his head and stroke my hair.

"Stay strong Trixie" he said quietly. I held out my left arm and saw the Dark Mark, I closed my eyes and bit my lip, trying to hold back a hysterical sob.

"Shh, it's ok, I understand" he said to me as he pushed my arm down and held me tighter. I don't know how long we sat there together, comforting each other. We both jumped as the doors were pushed open with a band and five men came in and ripped him away from me.

"No!" I sobbed. My words were quiet and muffled by my tears; I slumped in defeat as he was carried away from me.

"Bellatrix!" He yelled. I attempted to go after him but I felt ropes come around me. I fell to the floor and looked up. Sure enough _he_ was standing above me.

"I lied" he said. I let out one more feeble noise in disagreement before the world went black.

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**Hiya! Sorry I forgot to put in the authors note before I uploaded this chapter, but I thought that as I haven't updated in a while, as I promised I would do, you all deserved it haha :)**

**Well I hope that you all enjoyed it, sorry if it gets a bit repetitive, I didn't mean to! lol**

**I'd like to thank my friend Annika for looking over the past few chapters for me, even though it was sort of her fault that this came in so late *glares*, but I must be grateful or else she'll attack me with her Methods Book :D haha**

**anyway. I'm currently working on the next chapter, which I'm hoping will be longer, and I'll try and have it up next week. In the mean time, don't forget to Review, I love reviews peoples, they make my day :)**

**Ok, well I hope you enjoyed this chapter, **

**Thanks for reading **

**Mez :)**


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